“I want you all to look at me. Cause what I’m about to say is important. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I want you all to know this. This goes out to everybody… You’re not stupid. Okay? You’re not stupid. Don’t ever tell yourself that. You’re important. What you have in your head may not mean a lot to a lot of people, but its what makes you special. You. Are. Important. You mean something and you’re going to go out there and you’re going to do some wonderful things. But first and foremost, you’re not stupid, you’re not an idiot. Don’t ever… tell yourself that you are. And if nobody else ever tells you this, I will tell you this, I care about you…”

January 26, 2014
I wake up, check my phone for the time. I flip open my laptop and the screen brightens as I turn it on. Before I do anything else I like to check news in entertainment on multiple sites. I scroll down through the articles. One catches my eye…

‘Farewell to Justin Carmical’

“Hmm, must be someone from the site leaving or something,” I think to myself as I just keep scrolling, “oh well I don’t know him.”

I was wrong.

January 28, 2014

I return home from school. I do my usual routine, kicking off my shoes, throwing my backpack against the wall, and putting up my jacket. Before I do anything else I flip open my laptop and repeat my daily activity. I return to the site and once again scroll through the new articles. One catches my eye…

‘ Special ‘Mini-Marathon’ Edition of Screwin’ Around in Honor of ‘JewWario’.’

“JewWario?,” this time I question, recognizing that alias.

I scroll further to try to find answers when my eye catches it.

“In Memory of Justin ‘JewWario’ Carmical.”
I don’t believe it.

I go to ‘ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com’. Sure enough the first thing I find is Doug Walker, aka the ‘Nostalgia Critic.’ He’s replaced his scheduled video with a video memorial. A goodbye to the friend he admired.

This isn’t enough for me.

I switch over to YouTube and check the channel of ‘AngryJoe’ another YouTube personality who was part of the TGWTG family. Justin was his friend, a man he and others described as the kindest, most gentle, passionate man he had known. ‘It must have been a storm or a battle internally, I never knew that. He was always so happy, always smiling, dancing. That’s how I remember Justin and how I will always remember him… These momentary mistakes, which is what Justin’s wife called it…’

This hits too close to home…

Freshman year
Alone.

I sat in the bathroom crying. The dark war inside me finally winning. No more. I was done.

I shook the contents of the bottle into my hand. I swallowed the pills.

And as I did thoughts hit hard. My father…losing a second son. My mother a first. My younger siblings losing an older brother. My older sister losing me also.

Family.

Friends.

My body heaved. The war wasn’t over.

Luck? Maybe.

For whatever reason, the pills wouldn’t stay down.

Today

“They’re so stupid for hurting themselves like that.”

“They’re just doing it for attention.”

“Maybe they should just do it.”

Laughter almost always follows.

And I sit there. Angry.

How can they laugh?

I have a theory.
These people are emotionally spoiled. They haven’t faced trauma or the illness that is depression.

I sit there angry, but then I change my mind. In the end I feel like a hypocrite.
Silent instead of speaking out.

If you’re hurting right now, struggling with this battle, help is out there. I found help in my family and friends. The counselors here can help. A teacher. Don’t sit in silence. Get help.