It is an issue that comes up with the school board every year, and every year, the verdict remains the same: Boys are not allowed to wear earrings. After seeing continued male earring use in the halls of Rider I have come up with a list of reasons as to why earrings on males are distracting and a down-right safety hazard to the beloved and innocent children of our school. Needed, of course, in case the school board, for some reason, decided they might want to allow these dangerous objects into our school.
The first of these is evolution. Women have worn earrings since the dawn of time and therefore, their brains have developed a protective system to keep them from injuring people with these dangerous accessories. However, in a male’s body this system is not present, which can lead to guys tripping and accidentally stabbing a fellow student in the face with the pointy tips of their earrings (especially if they are wearing a pair of those crazy-looking spike earrings).
Also, it is a distraction to the students who are actually trying to learn. When one of these flim-flamming, earring-wearing hooligans is sitting next to another student, the light can reflect off of his earrings and blind the student trying to learn to where it is simply impossible to follow the lesson. That’s the reason we outlawed laser pointers in school and it applies the same to earrings (but only on males because of a quantum fluctuation in the Light Spectrum Law of…stuff).
Earrings can also fall out of males ears and pierce the feet of students walking through the halls at school. This is the last thing that we could ever want considering that the English hallway is not handicap accessible. We would then have to spend all this extra money building an elevator up to the English wing for all of the newly crippled students at Rider or they would have to transfer to Burkburnett.
The last reason is that the wearing of earrings in male homosapiens has been proven to cause the subject wearing the earrings to commit random acts of senseless violence. I mean all the bad guys in movies wear them. We simply cannot have a pack of ravenous teenage boys running wild through the hallways tipping over vending machines and kicking puppies and earrings have done worse to a man. Pirates wear earrings and they are all drunken, promiscuous, murderers. Do we want our kids to turn in to pirates? No we don’t. There’s not even an ocean around here.
Male earrings are the embodiment of everything bad in this world and should be kept out of the clean, profanity-free, PDA-less hallways of Rider High School. End of story.